Personally, I have been the victim of infidelity more times than not. But am I really a victim or is it just a fact of life that I need to accept? Do all men really cheat at one point or another? Or, are there some men that are able to withstand the temptations that are involved with our sexually charged culture? I feel that most men, if not all men, will cheat at some point in their long term relationships/marriages. Those men that say that they would "never cheat" is amusing to me. I'm guessing that the men that do not cheat are most likely not experiencing much opportunity. I'm curious to know if there are men that have never cheated even when the temptation was quite severe? Then again, I do not believe that the statistics would be accurate. How do we really know for certain that these men were telling the truth when being questioned? We don't. With that said; is it fair to judge all men, and assume they will cheat regardless of what they tell us as women based on what statistics and personal experiences have lead us to believe?
I want to know why it is that certain men cheat even when it seems that they have the perfect spouse?
I was amazed to read in a book titled, Infidelity: Exploding the Myths, by Julia Hartley Moore, that there were a lot of women who were okay with their significant others visiting escorts/prostitutes. She explains in her book that most women felt it was fine because their is no emotional connection, but merely a business transaction. I have to be honest that I felt relieved to discover that I am not the only woman who feels this way. I would prefer that the man I choose to be with be honest, and not cheat on me at all. But I feel that this exists only in a perfect world. I feel it is cheaper to see a call girl for a few hours than spend countless amounts of energy, money, and time for a divorce over a silly affair.
I think I will be researching reliable statistics in the future about this topic. I will research and see if Harvard has done any lengthy studies regarding infidelity, and the reason why men feel it necessary to have one main partner but several flings on the side.
Are most men just "convenient" cheaters? Meaning they don't necessarily go out looking to cheat with someone, but they find it hard to resist when the temptations/opportunities present themselves. I'm curious to know what is considered "cheating" in our society today? Let's face it. We do not live in a conservative culture like the one that existed fifty plus years ago. The things that were considered "taboo" years ago are now considered "normal" today. I have heard from several people that there are many "levels" of cheating. Some people feel flirting is cheating. Some feel kissing is cheating. Others feel that engaging in longer conversations with emotional feelings attached to be cheating. Why do we as women/men feel ownership over our partners? Do men cheat more than women? Are men biologically designed to cheat? If they are, should women feel upset or just accept it?
Lots of good questions, and it looks like you already have a book source. I'm sure you'll find articles about this subject in the library databases as well. I'm glad you're going to look into the issue on a biological level; that will make your inquiry more academic.
ReplyDeleteP.S. can you left-justify the text of your post? It looks kind of strange to be centered as it is now.
Great topic to write on. I have to say that I have never been the victim of cheating but I have been on the other side, I have been the cheater before, twice. The phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater," is a big bag of you know what. I recently got engaged and have been with my fiance for several years now and never once has being unfaithful crossed my mind. The difference in this relationship than the one I cheated in is that we are both very honest, we know what the other person wants and how to give it to each other. I could question whether it has crossed his and maybe it has, maybe it hasn't. I know that we both look at the opposite sex and we are both very open and honest about thinking other people are attractive, that is human nature. My fiance, Jeff, also cheated once in his last relationship, that makes us both cheaters and we both cheated for the same reason. Lack of communication about what was missing in our relationships, both of us had long distance relationships, and both of us were very young and not ready to settle down with one person. What is different about our situation is that both of us came clean to our boyfriend/girlfriend at the time about the cheating and both Jeff and I were the one's to be big enough to end the relationship as soon as we had cheated. A lot of times people will continue to cheat and lie and stay in that relationship for years. I want to be clear that Jeff and I didn't cheat with each other in our last relationship, this happened to us both years before we met.
ReplyDeleteI believe that there are good men and women out there that have made mistakes by being unfaithful but the important things is to be honest to yourself and the other person involved when it does happen.
I think my key point about of all of this is that yes, there is temptation out there, there always will be. How strong willed are you as a person to control how you react to temptation? How happy are you in your current relationship? I think people often cheat because something is missing, is not being fulfilled in their current relationship and they don't know how to communicate that to their partner. I also believe that there are men AND women who aren't capable of being monogamous. So, how can people avoid temptation if they come across it?
You have some pretty interesting ideas. I would like to bring some thoughts into this as a guy.
ReplyDeleteFirst off we don't all cheat. I know quite a few happily married guys(who are faithful). I was married for five plus years and didn't ever cheat on my ex-wife. Yes I caught the line you inserted about a lack of opportunity, and with me at least that is not the case. I'm not going to say that I am Brad Pitt or something, but I certainly feel I'm not anywhere near ugly.
Secondly, I think that there is a certain social class, I guess is what I would call it, that is more likely to cheat in both male and females. Within a highly educated group of people, or a religious group of people I believe you are less likely for find philandering spouses. This is of course just a guess on my part, but it may warrant some research. I know I have had thoughts about cheating, and it was certainly my relationship with God that made me think twice and choose not to go down that road.
I think highly educated people tend to wait longer to jump into serious relationships, and because of this they are in a more stable emotional position, and more secure in themselves when they do.
Quinn,
ReplyDeleteYou bring up an interesting point about highly educated people waiting longer for relationships and suggest that they may be less likely to cheat. You could be right but how often do we read or hear about politicians cheating on their spouses? You are right there are many men and women who aren't cheaters and I think religion plays a big role in that. Great post!
You have chosen a very interesting and popular topic... I think alot of people have these same questions and wonder about these same things. I know I have. I don't feel that every man cheats, I believe we all are capable and have those temptations man or woman. I have been both cheated on and I have also cheated. I agree with Nikki that some of the reasonings behind people cheating is because of the fact that something is lacking in their relationship and their communication is not effective enough for them to work through it. My previous relationship was very similar I wasn't happy and I tried to get my point across but somewhere was failing to do so, and I stepped out of my relationship looking for what I was lacking. However I learned my lesson in doing so, that only made things worse and ultimately ended my relationship. In my current relationship though I could not be happier and I know that if either of us felt like we weren't happy we could talk it out and work through it without having to cheat or look for something somewhere else. I'm looking forward to reading what you come up with. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like your topic and I'm interested in reading more about what you find research-wise. I think it really is up to each individual couple as to how they deal with this issue as well as how well they can communicate about such issues. Good luck with your research!
ReplyDeleteI have never cheated nor have been cheated by my significant other and all my family and friends are loyal to their partner. I guess in Asian community infidelity is not really an issue unless circumstances are unique. I think infidelity is heightened now-a-days due to the media as we know there are lots of reality Tv shows. Almost all reality Tv shows portrays struggling love life and fights and lots of drama. Media is very influential as we all know. What we see we tend to copy it faster subconsciously or consciously. When we see reality Tv shows we see normal people and because the fact that these shows are not scripted we
ReplyDeletesee that it is normal to be imperfect and address subject like infidelity are normal and fashionable.
Perhaps Biologically males are designed to not be monogamous. They produce close to 400 billion sperm in their lifetime. In comparison to women who produce 1 to 2 million eggs in their life time. It would make sense for a man to be engineered to sleep with several women not out of narcissism, but to procreate. "Survival of the fittest," in evolution, is one characteristic that involves males being able to procreate. If you are not able to replicate your species you are considered a weak link. In early societies polygamy wasn't uncommon due to increase of agriculture (more options.)
ReplyDeleteI figured Harvard.edu and Time Magazine were two good sources to start my research. I felt that reputable and capable people with years of experience would be providing helpful information on these sites. I have only become more confused.
According to the New York Times article, "Infidelity Comes Out of the Closet" by Joseph Hooper: "A highly regarded 1994 University of Chicago survey, Sex in America, conservatively put the figure at 25 percent for men, 12 percent for women. But whatever the actual incidence, most experts think it is unlikely that infidelity is more popular today than it was in the 1950's and 1960's, when men often enjoyed the advantages of a sexual double standard, or in the swinging 70's, when open marriage had its vogue. But if psychologists and therapists have anything to say about it, we are entering a Golden Age of thinking about infidelity."
So maybe infidelity wasn't as taboo as I thought it was 50 years ago. Maybe it just wasn't talked about as much. It seems that men in positions of power seem to be getting caught more often with their hand in the cookie jar than those that are not in positions of power. Maybe men not in positions of power just don't cheat as often. Maybe they go unnoticed. Perhaps I should broaden my research and not just attack males, but try to understand why human beings, male and female cheat. Perhaps there is a scientific explanation as to why both genders can be unfaithful.
Cited Sources:
"Evolution of monogamous marriage by maximization of inclusive
ļ¬tness"
L . F O R T U N A T O*1& M . A R C H E T T I 2
*Department of Anthropology, University College London, London, UK
Department of Zoology, University of Oxford, Oxford, UK
http://www.people.fas.harvard.edu/~archetti/papers/JEB_2009_monogamy.pdf
http://www.nytimes.com/1999/04/29/garden/infidelity-comes-out-of-the-closet.html?scp=4&sq=infidelity%20and%20its%20significance%20to%20the%20men&st=cse
Infidelity Comes Out of Closet by Joseph Hooper, New York Times.
I think being unfaithful is a response to not getting something you crave in a relationship. This can take many different forms. There are many ways in which infidelity can occur. With our society being "connected", it's easy to have an emotional affair online. We now have webcams, Skype, etc. How easy it is to find anyone on the internet. I think anytime one goes outside of the relationship in an intimate way, it's cheating.
ReplyDeleteI suspected my wife of cheating on me but I never had any proof. This went on for months, I didn't know what to do. i was so paranoid and decided to find a solution, i saw a recommendation about a private investigator and decided to contact him. I explained the situation about my wife to him and he said he was going to help me.I gave him all the informations he required and afterwards i received all my wife’s phones Text messages and calls, I was hurt when i saw a picture of my wife and her lover. I feel so bad about infidelity. but i am glad Mr james was able to help me get all this information, you can contact him via email(worldcyberhackers@gmail.com) or Text/call : +12317945543
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